The Real Housewives of the OC....a new Victim to pounce on
The episode starts off with a recap of past events, but if you are a true Housewives Fan like myself you have been watching the reruns for the past 3 weeks! The introductions are made and we see plastic Peggy with the bad boob job and her creepy husband Micah have been replaced by Brunette Heather. By the way,If viewers had a dollar for every time Peggy said Fabulous last season we could afford to buy a house in Coto de Caza.
We are first ushered into Gretchen's bathroom where she is doing her long Barbie hair for a lunch with Tamra, her arch enemy! Obviously Slade must have gotten his groove on last night because there are rose pedals all around the tub and on the floor. He tries to talk her out of meeting evil Tamra for lunch but she is insistent on going. She is dressed like she is going to the prom not lunch. I am more interested in looking at all of the hair products she has than listen to what she has to say. I may just have to pause the DVR just to look at them all. (The best part of the scene is when we see Tamra serving papers to Jeana then throws a drink in her face during a flashback.) Gretchen proudly grabs her pocketbook which flashes the GCC logo (Gretchen Christine Cosmetics)and she sashays out the door.
Next up is Miss Anal Vicki. She is prepping her house for a home showing. She attempts to get her obnoxious I am too cool but I still live at home and work for my mommy son to help her make the bed and says the most stupid thing I have heard....the house won't sell if the lines in the bedspread don't match up. So that must be the reason my house hasn't sold yet, I have crooked lines in my bedspread. The pillows are fluffed and squished in the middle. Don is still living in the house because she needs the money to help pay for everything. How telling....thought she was miss mega rich. Vicki is dating a guy named Brooks who lives in Mississippi. How convenient. I think that is what we call a booty call. He must be deaf too because who could listen to that voice! He also is in insurance, maybe he is hustling Vicki.
We are now at K,Ya Bistro for the big truce lunch. Tamra looks like she needs to have her roots done. Whoever does her hair should be fired because it looks bad all the time. Gretchen goes into her I know you would like me if you got to know me shpeel and Tamra goes on the defensive. Let's face it she was threatened by Gretchen's better hair! This is the same place Tamra trashed Gretchen to Laurie a few seasons back. They have decided to move forward and become friends. Vicki is going to shit a brick, she just got Tamra back under her thumb. Gretchen gets a gift from Tamra. Gretchen says For Reals 2 times, where are we in the Valley or in the OC? Tamra had it made for her (because everyone has things made, why go down to the local gift shop) it looks like a plastic bracelet with a key on it. something you would buy on the toy isle of the dollar store. Maybe Lynn made it. The key is to show them locking up the past or it could be used to unlock the handcuffs on Eddie during a threesome they will plan in the future. I bet the safe word will be For Reals! Or the key can be used to open up the future. Tamra still isn't a fan of Slade, but we will see how that will work out. Tamra admits to Gretchen she is afraid of Vicki and isn't going to say anything about their new alliance until later.
Cue the miraca music and onto Alexis. Jesus Barbie is living in another different house. She no longer has the illegal nanny but a teenager named Christina as her personal assistant, so we have gone from green cards to child labor law breaking! She is whispering because it is very early in the morning. She is still hawking Alexis Couture clothes but now is a segment reporter on a tv station too. Isn't God wonderful, he loves Alexis more than the rest of us. You can totally tell she is frazzled, she has to do lunches and snacks and clothes in the morning before she leaves for work. Ummm, why can't she do it the night before or have Jim do it, he doesn't work. Aren't her kids a bit big for sippy cups? Go get yourself glam Alexis and drive to San Diego...she even has to set Jim's alarm clock. Does she wipe his ass too?
Back to Bitchy I mean Vicki at Coto insurance, Tamra brings lunch and they chow down in the conference room. Vicki looks in need of a nap and an iron, she looks disheveled. They talk about Don and Tamra gushes about Eddie. We learn that Don gets the river house in the divorce. He should get it all for putting up with her. Tamra tells us Simon left her with 90% of their belongings but asks for stuff all the time and still hasn't signed the papers. Don is asking to see if he can get spousal support. Vicki is complaining how she never gets money after her divorces. Well, if she was such a great financial planner she would have budgeted for this since she makes more money than Don and blindsided him with divorce papers. It is going to hurt her emotionally and financially. Don has a younger girlfriend. Tamra has to bring up her 5 hr. sex romp AGAIN....did she ever stop to think Eddie may be more Into Simon than her and just couldn't get the job done? Vicki is having a party. She thinks they should invite Gretchen, Tamra agrees but doesn't let Vicki know she is friends with her again.
Now we finally get to meet the fresh meat...Heather and her plastic surgeon husband John. Tamra is their real estate agent. They are looking at a plot of land. Here they are in their heels trudging through dirt and trying to make it look effortless. Tamra is looking for making a quick sale to make some cash, and already thinks Heather is a bitch. But they will go to coffee and exchange niceties. She wants this business. She calls Vicki to see if she can invite them to her party because she is really nice. She just got through telling us she is probably a bitch.
Alexis has made it to San Diego I wonder if Jim ever woke up? Live TV is so difficult...you can't mess up. Thanks Alexis for clearing that up for us. She is doing a segment on Dr. Booty. She doesn't know if he is a real doctor but he is very good at working out the booty. Judging from what I am looking at he ain't no real doctor! He specializes in badonkadonk. She is live and is clearly flustered. She sucks. She tells us she has no training in journalism and we can clearly see that she was hired for her looks. Jesus loves her.
Heather and Tamra meet for coffee. Heather is dripping in Chanel and Tamra is envious. She really isn't into the house lot but because the camera is rolling and she knows she is on a TV show, she starts a friendship with Tamra. She talks about her fabulous life. Her husband Terry is a plastic surgeon. They have been together 15 years but married for 12.5. Tamra invites Heather to Vicki's party and begins to give background info on her "crew". Vicki is like her sister, she describes Gretchen as her kind of friend, she says Fabulous Plastic Peggy will be there and of course ends with Alexis who she refers to as Gretchen's friend. Quite interesting. Now any normal person would not go to this party since they supposedly just met, but in the OC you go to the party.Tamara is already telling us that Heather is something Alexis will never be, classy, elegant, sophisticated, beautiful and has real money. MEOW! Glad to see Miss T has remained the shit stirrer in the group.
Ooh a commercial for Betheny Ever After....another woman who is OBNOXIOUS! We see her marriage hitting a rough patch and she is on a boat with no working GPS....great captain, can't he use a compass? How dumb is Jason not to take advantage of the situation and not throw the wench overboard? They will never find her without a working GPS!
Gretchen and Jesus Barbie have a visit. She brings G a couture dress. They start dishing about the party tonight. Alexis hasn't seen Peggy since the reunion show where she found out Peggy used to bang ugly Jim back in the day. Gretchen can't tell Alexis about her secret friendship with Miss T. Peggy shows up looking like a tranny at Tamra's house. She informs us she is so busy being a hands on full time mom and is so busy did she tells us she was so busy? Yes, Peggy is so busy. Actually Peggy and Micah are bankrupt but she is just so busy. Every mom is a full time mom, Newsflash! Tamra looks like she has a new home. Wonder if she is living with Eddie. Peggy calls Alexis crazy. Back to the 2 Barbie's...who are talking about Peggy. Alexis calls Peggy looney. Back to Miss T and Miss Plastic Fabulous talking about Jim or as Tamra called him Mr. Jesus' dating patterns...he dated all the hot girls in Newport (guess Peggy wasn't living in Newport at the time)apparently Jim has a gigantic penis and had lots of toys, big toys. Back to the Barbies who think Peggy is obsessed with Jim. I feel like I am watching a ping pong match....it all ends with the hopes of a good night.
The limo pulls up and inside is Heather. Miss T., plastic fabulous and Heather head to the party. Vicki has a Cajun themed party since she started to date a southern man. In the limo they bash the girls that will be at the party. They are trying to form alliances. But Miss T and Barbie have a secret friendship nobody knows about....in the other limo the Barbies and a friend Sara start yacking about the party bashing Tamra. Gretchen chimes in and says just be a strong girl and you won't have anything to worry about. Why even go if it is this stressful?
Vicki has a kitchen full of illegal Aliens of asian descent cooking up a Cajun feast. The limos arrive and the pirannahs i mean ladies exchange fake hugs. Vicki is glowing, must be the chemical peel,she had last week or the silicone injected into her cheeks. Alexis decides she wants to be natural cordial and ladylike when she sees Peggy, but doesn't think it will happen. Then the damn episode ends! Looks like it won't be smooth sailing and we LOVE IT!
