The Bachelor/Anguilla

Bachelor/Anguilla

Ok, so I haven’t even turned on the TV yet and I already know I am going to be bugged by something other than Michelle…the correct pronunciation of the word Anguilla.  I have always heard it called An-Gee-La  but others call it Ang-Willa….potato /potato…tomato/tomato….Ok Jeff, get the snacks and turn on the tube!  And take me to Anguilla….

I wonder if they will zipline or repel on this date???  Well judging from the teasers we will have some soft core beach porn with Michelle.  Is she flying in the plane with the other girls or will she zipline there?  Or perhaps ride on her broom?  The chicks are checking out their villa…please girls keep in mind that you probably will never go back there again if Brad picks you because he has a beer budget.  Britt is looking puzzled when Chris Harrison explains the rules of the week….Shawntel reads the date teaser….Emily wins the solo date.  Shocker!  When is he going to just dump this chick and stop giving her chances????  Dead baby daddy trumps runaway bachelor….game over.  She is only 24 but looks older.  She sees a helicopter and says he is too much with his dates.  Dumbass, the producers plan the dates.  She is really starting to bug me now.  She gets to go to her own private island.  What happens if she has to pee or take a poo?  I know I would pee in the water but will she???  I think she has hair extensions….look at the way her hair parts un-normally when the wind blows.  Now they are professing their fears…blah blah blah.  Brad says he moves very slowly….he speaks very slowly too….the sun is going in and the moon is coming up….you know damn well her bladder is about to burst and she is probably stiffling a fart! 

Back at the resort, the girls are torturing themselves about the dates and teasing Britt about the date card.  Britt knows she is dead meat because she hasn’t had a 1 on 1 yet.  The mortician wins…will she talk about embalming on their date as they tour the island?

Back to the Emily date…will Emily introduce Brad to her child????  Brad is trying to make small talk.  Emily is talking about the dead babydaddy again…..now comes the big ????  will she allow Brad to meet Ricky?  Deep sigh….she is overprotective.  Emily is a pain in the ass.  Cut the bitch loose.  She is never going to commit to you Brad.  She can wallow away in pity and play with her weave, and whiten those big chompers of hers.  Major overbite…how can he propse if she won’t let him meet her kid?  He breaks the rules and tells her he is going to give her a rose.  I think this is a challenge for him. He is such a rebel.  Or this could be an insurance rose because he knows she will never commit to him.  Every guy wants what he can’t have.  Remember that! 

Shawntel’s big date….do you think she will take him to the morgue on their hometown date if she gets one?  They go bike riding in the middle of town.  Nothing glamorous like a shopping spree this time.  She hears the music at a farmers market and she is saying this is her favorite kind of date.  Jeff takes me on those all the time when we go to Seabra….music and markets….how romantic.  Now she is going to barge into a game of dominoes…hopefully Brad will wager her and lose her to them and she gets sold into some illicit black market drug cartel.  Now some toothless broad is conveniently asking them if they are in love and if they are getting married.  I bet Shawntel promised her a free funeral if she would say that.  Now they come across baby goats.  Whatever…how can you say perfect when you are surrounded by smelly goats?  He is telling her how natural their relationship is….did you fart or did the goat just take a crap by the blanket???  OOOOHHHH, I am falling in love with you Brad….bring on the night time date so I can get drunk and tell you again how much I love you then blame it on the sun and the red wine when I am riding in the limo when he sends your ass home.  Oh my gosh….it is sooooo romantic.  Dinner on a tiki dock.  Where else would they eat?  They are on an island.  She is spouting about her humble family.  She is talking about her family and asks about brad’s mom.  Does she know that Brad is adopted???  He talks about his mom and how she is so loving and dad was a deadbeat.  I bet he will blame his commitment issues on that.  He is so at ease with her.  He loves how he feels around her.  He soooo teases her.  Rain begins, I wonder if mother nature knows this is Shawntl not Chantal…..kissing in the rain is romantic according to Brad….he arranges a private concert by some old pothead who is famous.  Brad is soooo wonderful.  Duh girls, it is all prearranged, he isn’t paying for it out of his pocket.

Back at the house Britt is really panicked when the date envelops arrives.  She finally gets a 1 on 1 date.  Michelle is pissed.  They are going on a sailing date.  Michelle is pretty sure their ship will go down.  I can’t wait to see if Michelle will wear scuba gear and try to make holes in the boat.  Michelle says what a waste of a yacht….Britt is putting on bronzer and make-up to go on a boat.  She is on a tropical island full of sun and she is putting on bronzer????  She is a toothpick.  Shre actually looks awkward in her cut off shorts and wedge sandals.  Brad shows her the yacht and tells her they have to swim to it.  All the other girls see the yacht and profess their jealousy.  Michelle spews her venom…she can’t even see Brad friending her on FB.  What a waste of a 1 on 1.  I hope Michelle gets stung by jelly fish so the other girls can take turns peeing on her.  Brad shows britt a giant rock and says we are going cliff jumping.  What is it with this guy and jumping off tall things????  Is he secretly hoping she brushes up against the rocks and gets a concussion?  They show her jump under water and she came damn close to a rock….he is proud she faced her fears.  He really is a new doctor Phil.

Date card arrives and it is a group date card…Biatchsay michelle tells the other girls she wished she wasn’t going on the group dates with them.  She hates group dates.  Well guess what, they hate you!

Back to the wallpaper date.  Britt is very hard at showing her feelings.  Brad has no spark with her.  He doesn’t have any urge to kiss her.  Britt is a buddy not a girlfriend.  He is hoping for sparks tonight…guess what bud, ain’t going to happen if they haven’t already.  Skip the date, send her home and save yourselves the trouble.  Brad is feeling confused by the lack of romantic spark.  The highlight of his day was seeing her face after she jumped off the rock….uh oh not good Britt.  He is talking about the night and trying to rush her through dinner.  When a guy starts a conversation with ummmm, then you know you are in trouble.  He is about to say But….she is thinking she is all set since there isn’t a rose but here comes the fatal blow he is about to tell her their isn’t any chemistry.  She looks like she wants to jump off the boat.  He doesn’t see a future.  She is pleading her case but it is falling on deaf ears.  She is practically begging….not attractive and not going to happen Brad is cutting her loose and will be throwing her overboard.  He really is making up the rules as he goes along.  Dumps her in a little dingy into the night…poor wallpaper girl.  Buh Bye!  I half expect Michelle to crawl up the side of the boat saying Ahoy matey!  The girls are so excited to see Britt, telling her how happy they are to see her, how much they hate nbot having her around and she breaks the news to them that she is going home.  They all look upset but they are secretly thrilled.  Now the girls are panicked and wallowing in doubt and fear.

Now comes the Ashley, Chantal, Michelle group date….cue the porn music.  Brad is sneaking into their rooms with a flashlight in the dead of morning.  He tells them to get dressed and put on some comfy clothes.  I am shocked Michelle isn’t sleeping in the nude.  He gets to see them au-natural….love it.  Michelle didn’t have time to slather on the bondo to her face or cover her zits.  They are doing a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit shoot.  Michelle is excited to do this.  Ashley tells us she has no boobs, duh we saw that.  Chantal feels fat and is stressed out.  At least she is normal.  Of course she is terrified.  Ashley poses and she looks natural.  The photographer is creaming his pants and talks her into going topless with shells.  He is like a creepy photographer.   Chantal is up next and whines about her unsexiness….she looks a little thick in the middle.  She goes topless too.  Brad gets some wood….Michelle becomes the moral compass and doesn’t want to take her top off.  She tells us she was a model and wants to pose wioth Brad.  She starts to grind and make out with him.  Cue the porn music.  She goes way over the top.  What a pain in the ass she is.  She is totally getting into their heads.  Mission accomplished.  The other girls want to kill her.  Brad got swept away and caught up in the moment, now he regrets it.  He knows he is in the dog house.  Damage is done and now comes the back peddling.  Can’t wait to see how he handles this one.  What therapy mumbo jumbo will he spew???  I can’t fast forward quick enough.  Now the sirens are all in the pool with Homer.  They are drinking green drinks…symbolism for green with envy???   Ashley is putting Brad on the spot.  She tells him that she feels like the kid sister.  He tells her his feelings for her haven’t changed.  She feels disconnected.  It is a heavy conversation and Brad is confused.  Dumbass you made your bed now lie in it.  Chantal is about to lose it on him.  She is asking why their body language sucks on group dates.  He says he has to remember there are other women on the group dates.  She tells him she loves him again.  Brad is happy but knows he has ruffled feathers on the date.  Michelle is with Brad now.  She is trying to act DEEP with him.  Doesn’t he know she is using sex to get him?  He sees a strong and volitile woman and that scares him.  Finally he is realizing that she is nuts and domineering.  I think he has finally got her #.  They just would never work.  She is like a fatal attraction.  Their connection is purely physical.  Ashley and Chantal think Michelle will get the rose.  They are feeling like Brad is shut off….dude is not shut off he is embarassed.  Chantal takes him aside again and unloads her buzz words on her.  He tries to explain things to her but he is trying to explain why he is acting like a vulcan.  Who will get the rose???  Buzz words for the season:  Walls, shut down, face fears, I want to find love, emotional, thrown for a loop.  Ashley gets to go with Brad again.  She is really “shutting down”.  She is going to drive him away.  He is going to give her the rose but Ashley thinks she is going to get sent home like wallpaper Britt.  He walks over, grabs the rose, Michelle and Chantal are blown away because Ashley gets it.    Big kiss…lots of tears…Michelle wants to kill him.  Chantal is a blubbering mess.  She gets some time with alone with Brad and tells him if I can’t win over the three girls, then send me home.  He tries to convince her otherwise.  She isn’t buying it.  She fell for him hook line and sinker.  She tells him she is OK.  Aren’t you at all surprised it didn’t rain on their date.  Brad dug himself into a big hole this time.

Eose ceremony shuld be interesting….we know Emily is getting a rose because he already told her that, Ashley got one, so that leaves Shawntel, Michelle and Chantal.  They all arrive barefooot…is this an anguillan dating ritual???  Looks like Michelle is going home.  But who knows????  They are all standing on the edge of the pool.  Michelle is wanting to talk to Brad alone….spo she can seduce him one more time and put something into his drink.  Brad pulls Chris aside and tells Chris he doesn’t need the cocktail party and he has made his decision.  Chris tries to talk to him and he doesn’t want to budge.  I think he is petrified of Michelle to be honest.  But I may be wrong.  Straight to the rose ceremony….Chros goes to the girls to break the news.  Michelle feels her spidey senses tingle and states something is off….Michelle is panicked.  She has goosebumps.  Morticia is nervous….Michelle is dropping F-Bombs, she wanted to use her seduction charms because that is the only tool she has because she is not really a nice chick to be around.  Chantal is crying…Emily is secretly gloating because she knows she is safe, so here they go down to the beach….are there any sharp objects within Michelle’s reach???  I am kind of sad to see her go, maybe she can stick around and just continue to make comments like on pop up video….

Here comes Brad…Chris tells them that Brad is very clear of his intentions tonight and one of you will be gpoing home tonight.  Hi ladies, you all look gorgeous.  I am sure you are wondering why there isn’t a cocktail party and I promised you that as soon as I felt something was oof I would not string you along….i am breaking protocol for you.  I cherish every single second with all of you.   First rose: Emily….nobody looks surprised.  2nd rose: Shawntel N the mortician, 3rd Rose: Chantal.  He called her last again.  Michelle is LIVID…she is in SHOCK…He walks her out and asks if he can hold her hand, she says not a chance.  The girls are so relieved and say it has to be very awkward.  He asks her to talk, she says no and then shoves her in the back of the limo.  He is breathing a sigh of relief.  She is too intense for him and volitile.  Michelle in the limo lays down.  Doesn’t say a word, just has the wicked step mother music playing in the background that builds up to a point where you think she is going to go postal but she doesn’t.

Now onto the home dates.  Shawntel is going to scare the crap out of him with all of the dead talk….Emily brings little Ricky out to see Brad but she runs away….Shawntel talks about her fears and Ashley is the perky dentist….oh boy can’t wait for next week!