Bachelor Tells All…
Sharpen the claws and get ready for a good old fashioned cat fight! Let’s see who has been betrayed, who colored their hair and who lost the extra 10 pounds gained through the season. My girl Chantal is definitely a stress eater…I can’t wait to watch an hour of Michelle!
Why does Chris Harrison need to be in a suit? Why can’t he just kick back in a sweater and jeans? Bring on the simpleton clips of Brad….he is so open for anything, he has been through therapy, he is reformed, Blah, blah, Blah. The recycled bachelor gets smacked in the face from a much thinner Chantal. Ashley H was an instant hit and the best first date of his life. She is just incredible…but not that incredible to keep around. Then there is Vampira A.K.A. Madison. She is a fruit cake that is such a dark and tortured soul….ACTRESS! Then there is mortician herself Shawntel the girl who loves her job…she sees dead people! Michelle the dominatrix, she is crazy. Certifiable. Can you imagine growing up with her getting dating tips? According to Brad, she had a lot of game and he has no game. Brad is so at ease seeing the girls this time around. Keep taking the happy pills Brad!
I wonder if Charlie Sheen is going to pop up for an interview on this show? Those bachelor reunions look like orgies! Even Vienna sausage is there. According to some of the former contestants they are all sexual creatures. They are all horned out. Even Kasey was getting some action. I wonder if he will tattoo it on his chest? I will protect and honor your heart fill in the blanks.Who cares about this, bring on the Brad castaways…guess it was a dull season If they are using this much filler.
Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, bring on Michelle! Some of these chicks they are showing us I barely remember. Ashley got hair extensions and colored her hair. She isn’t cute anymore. Getting dumped slapped her with an ugly stick. Everyone else pretty much looks the same. Jackie is listed as from NY but she is really a Rhode island Girl…FYI. Finally the Michelle montage….talk about editing magic. They really have made her into a psycho! Now she is going to play the misunderstood card. Bring it on! Fatal Attraction ain’t got nothing on her. I am shocked there wasn’t a boiling bunny in the kitchen. She is being called a spider….she is creepy and nobody likes her. Jackie has reduced her to tears. This is classic. Now Michelle is playing the kid card. She is blaming leaving her kid behind on acting psycho. Ashley is coming to her defense. Who knew they had a connection? Madison has respect for Michelle because she was honest about her intentions. Michelle is trying her hardest to make some tears and she can’t do it. Coo Coo!
Rachel Vs. Melissa apparently was a big feud. It couldn’t have been that big because I barely remember it. If you think about it this has been a boring season. Michelle was the only shining moments, but I may be wrong. Melissa is old and desperate. She is the cougar at age 32. Even Michelle is calling her crazy. Crazy knows crazy. Rachel the “manscaper” calls her out on her crap. Couldn’t Melissa have her roots done before coming on a national TV show? Doesn’t she have a mirror? Basically they really weren’t that exciting. They were just catty and desperate. That is why they are on a television show trying to get a boyfriend.
Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, after the break. I bet she went back stage to chop some onions to produce tears. She left the remains on her fingers so when she wiped away the fake tears new ones would arrive. She got what she wanted an additional 5 minutes of fame. Chris is trying to be nice to her. He knows she is hated. She keeps telling us she missed her daughter, but she never really mentioned her during taping. She is really trying to cry and it is taking some extra time. This is so entertaining. She could dish it out but she can’t take it. Did she honestly think she could get away with what she was doing and saying and these desperate bitches were just going to step aside and roll with it? Still trying to cry…still dry. Chris is trying to make up excuses for her…what a dumbass. Touching the eyes with the onion fingers….tears are kind of forming….but no, no tears. So instead she is going to fake having a breathing problem. None of the girls are buying it. The cats are ready to pounce and they are not holding back. Chris is trying to defend her and protect her, that is annoying; she was nothing but mean and vindictive to all of these chicks. Still can’t cry a real tear and has to bury her head. I bet she has Visine stuffed in her bra to create water streams. Again, we break for commercial and realize they have to stretch this out because it has been a boring, white bread kind of season. Now Michelle is defending her mothering. Michelle is claiming she is being targeted. She was just being herself. Word to the wise single men, she is psycho, slutty and always has her eyes on the prize and wants to bag her a new baby daddy. Ok, enough about Michelle, she is actually boring afterall. We did learn that Michelle is team Emily. L Yuck!
Jackie is feisty. She didn’t speak all season. She could have eaten shit on a date and you wouldn’t have known it. Britt is opening her mouth too. She didn’t even speak to Brad on their dates. They really could have done this show in an hour…or even a ½ hour.
Ashley S. the girl that was cute but got ditched in Vegas. She is so perky….she seems to have the IQ of a vegas slot machine. She did have a rockin’ little bod and very cute hair but wasn’t right for Brad. Jeff thinks she should just make herself a mail order bride if she can’t find anyone to date her. That would be a great show….Mail Order Bride. I wonder if she will be the bachelorette???? She picks the wrong men. She is definitely the cuter Ashley. The other one aged about 10 years after getting dumped by Brad and Her teeth are glow in the dark white!
Now we are watching the history of implosion for the White strips addict Ashley. She was up one minute, then down the next. Talk about fumbling the ball on the 10 yd. line! Chris is wondering why she is showing emotion watching the clip…duh! She sees how she blew it. Michelle is envious that Ashley can actually cry on cue. How does she do that??? She is thinking to herself. Chris is telling her he is sad for her. I think he has a crush on her. Whatever. Shoulda coulda woulda. Enough of this chick already. Bring on dim witted Brad!
The moment I guess we have been waiting for…Brad is joining the girls. Shawntel just gave the camera a look of disgust. The other Chantal is at home right now slitting her wrists because she knows she is the loser. Emily is sitting in her pink house with Ricki watching her new daddy to be on TV. Brad is in the hot seat now. Michelle is still trying to cast a love spell on him but it isn’t working. White Strips girl is also trying to give him the message she is available if it doesn’t work out with Emily….or Chantal. I wonder if Brad is starting to second guess his choice? Nahh. I am fast forwarding Brad with the S. African school children. Another clue that this is a boring season. Brad is the same intellectual age as the school children, How touching. Judging from Brad’s response to the ? is he is happy with his choice, I am about 100% sure he chose Emily. Damn! The outtakes were more entertaining than the season.
I want him to pick Chantal. What am I missing? Their dates seemed so effortless and easy. Emily’s always seemed awkward and uncomfortable. Classic case of wanting what he can’t have, the thrill of the chase. She is a challenge. When he gets her and his instant family will he be able to truly enjoy it? We will find out next week. I predict Emily is your winner :( Too bad this isn't sister wives, he could have picked them all!
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