Real Housewives O.C.: A New Lease On Life
Gretchen and her new surgically altered face start off this episode. She is going shopping with Alexis and Peggy. She promptly answers the door with a tiara on and goes into it all over again with Alexis. Let it goooooooo! They are dressed to the nines and head out the door. Gretchen announces she wants to drive and shows her the new Mercedes in the drive-way. I know Alexis isn’t smarter than the average bear, but I am sure she noticed the car when she pulled up to her house. Let’s shout and giggle and head off shopping J Peggy shows up and is met by the wonder twins. They try on fierce boots and start to gush over each other and start the love fest. Alexis might have to get a couple of pairs. She probably should since she may be living in the shoes pretty soon. Gretchen gives a dig to Jo and to Peggy. How catty???
Here comes politically incorrect Vicki. I feel the need to always fast forward when she is on the screen, but can’t because she is annoyingly addictive. She is re-doing the house in Coto to prepare it to sell, unbeknownst to Don. Her contractor seems to be annoyed by her but goes along for the ride. Vicki insults the Mexican worker and whips out the checkbook. She doesn’t like anything standard, the contractor points out it is standard size. Ugh…isn’t she supposed to be smart? Poor Don is stuck for a little while longer with this whack-a-doo! She just does what she wants to do. Again, emasculates Don in one swoop! I sooooo hope he dumps her and not the other way around!
The wonder twins and plastic Peggy head off for dinner. They are so super cool! They all agree to take bites of each other’s meals. That is so friend-like. Alexis is having a party. A Spa party. They start to talk about Vicki and Tamra. Gretchen is fueling the fire when the Tamra name is mentioned. I wonder if dead horse is on the menu because they keep beating it. Is that what they do to pay for dinner instead of washing dishes? Next we hear about Slade’s manhood and how it can adjust to hard or soft according to Gretchen’s mood or needs. I think they call that the Viagra wearing off Gretch! Now we hear Alexis and Peggy compete with closet sex stories. Yah, no competition there Alexis. Even Peggy notices. We do learn that Alexis ties Jim up with D &G, Louis and Chanel scarves and blindfolds him. Maybe so he can fantasize about having sex with himself. He is in love with himself afterall. I love that Gretchen said Alexis lives on Jesus lane. Too funny!
Tamra is having lunch with Vicki. They are talking about last year. Tamra is catching Vicki up on her year. Vicki is complaining about renovating the house and her utility bills. Life is just hard….Tamra is explain the ins and outs of divorce to Vicki. Tamra is sooo happy and upbeat and in love with Eddie. They are going to Spain. He loves to travel. Vicki is proud that Tamra hasn’t exposed the kids to Eddie. Yay, the good housekeeping seal of approval. Tamra and her Hamburger Helper budget suggests they take a trip to Cabo. Vicki is all in J She gets her Tamra all to herself.
Jim and Alexis are blessing themselves for the car ride to San Diego. Alexis is stuck with the kids, the nanny and all the work. Her son wants to ride with daddy, but he doesn’t want any part of it. I get the feeling the kids are supposed to be paraded around and then put away. He isn’t really daddy material. They forget the Nanny’s bag. Good thing she is Christian and the assistant can bring the bag down. Jim is riding solo and trying to make a call and the phone won’t work. The kids pull up next to him and they are waving, Jim wanting no part of it floors it to get away from them. Douche!
Peggy is filling her kids up with holistic concoctions. They are super healthy plastic kids, The mother in law shows up because she is a super holistic guru. She is a little slow and out there and looks to be only a few years older than Peggy LOL. She is setting peggy up with this new age super bracelet to ward off bad energy and aging. She probably should wrap herself in it…Must be nice to have money to blow on shit! Peggy has to pee in a cup to see how she is aging. The mother-in-law doesn’t even put on gloves when she handles the pee. Yuck. Peggy is hitting menopause but never actually says it….duh, mood swings happen when you are 50…..oh I mean late 30 or early 40.
Gretchen and Viagra man are preparing to go to palm Springs to visit her two gay friends. She is bringing the entire closet. She is barely dressed while Slade loads the car. The bikes are fastened to the back of the car but Gretchen thinks it is too loose. I suspect Gretchen is losing interest in Slade. She is constantly on him. I think she is tired of bankrolling everything. The luster is wearing off….she only really needs him to bang her. He is not a catch and she knows it, but can’t do anything about it just yet. She has to save face, although she does have a new face. She can’t stand to listen to the Vicki I told you so’s I bet.
The Jesus Freaks arrive in San Diego. Jim the control freak begins to bark orders right off the bat. He is soooo annoying. He has the bellman remove furniture. Then he attempts to take the kids out to fly a kite on a day without wind. Alexis is schlepping around the suite getting things in order and of course to be there for Jim’s beck and call. He is like having a giant 4 year old. Jim is the boss. I’m hungry, let’s order room service…in other words, go get me some food bitch.
Gretchen and Slade are still in the car and Slade is just about to get his ass reamed by Barbie because the bike falls off the rack. She is going to do the bikes next time. She knows best. They show up at the friend’s house and the berating continues. Awkward. Gretchen loves these guys because they tell her how hot she is all the time and how awesome she is. It is a mutal support system where they all build themselves up. They bring value to each other’s lives. That is straight out of G’s mouth, I can’t make that shit up. How appropriate that the 2 friends are riding a tandem bike. Just saying!
Back to Jesus Freaks….they are praying over breakfast and he is barking order to Alexis. Jesus, let the girl eat and get off your papal ass and get your own ketchup and toast. Alexis is so thankful that God gave her Jim because he is a such a good man and has money. God giveth and he takes away….be careful Alexis! We all know the scoop there.
Tamra is in traffic talking to Eddie on her bejeweled blackberry. She is giddy and in love. He is 5 years younger than her and thinks about it all the time. She needs to stay hot so he won’t leave her or be mistaken for his mother. This isn’t going to last people. I can tell you that right now. I think we should all say “OPORTUNIST” in unison.
Well, we are off to a new shopping spree for Alexis….but here is the kicker it is really for Jim. He is buying watches. Who really still wears a watch? He gets 2 watches to the tune of 27,000.00. Alexis is teased with a ring but doesn’t get anything. LOL. She is his best accessory we are reminded. He is such a freaking’ poser. I bet they never really bought both watches. Alexis is practically begging for Jim to buy something for her but he isn’t getting sucked in. They keep walking down the street as he admires his new watch. He likes the bling and the show. I bet he wears a big tacky pinky ring too!
Tamra and Eddie pull up to the restaurant. We finally get to see the latin lover. They are all over each other. Tamra asks who wouldn’t want to hump him??? Ummm ME! I think he is a switch hitter. They meet up with Tamra’s business partner. He feels like the 3rd wheel and he should because he is. It is awkward. Tamra of course has to let the waitress know they pokey’d before they got there. She is holding onto him for dear life. My goodness, Eddie oozes I am GAY! Tamra’s thinking God really loves her and gave her a gift….probably herpes! Karma is a bitch Tamra and he is going to dump your ass soon. FYI!
Gretchen, Slade and her fan club are talking marriage at the restaurant. Gretchen is picking at Slade’s eating a fattening dinner, then tells her she doesn’t want to marry him, just lease him. The writing is on the wall Slade, she really isn’t that into you…..start looking for a new housewife to glom onto. Tamra’s name comes up again! I am just tuning it out now. Why didn’t Gretchen have those two warts on her face removed when they rebuilt it? She covers them with make-up but you can still see them. The gay couple can totally see Gretchen is making Slade uncomfortable, they keep making faces. She thinks if they lease each other because there is always a possibility they can be traded in for something better.
Next up is the cougar fetish/soft porn tub scene with Tamra. Simon is going to flip out when he sees this. Tamra is in the bathroom running a bubble bath and lighting candles while Eddie is down stairs blowing them out. She slithers into the water and beckons for Eddie. Cue the porn music. She invites him in. He looks at her and throws back the rest of his wine, which happens to be a full glass. It is almost as if he has to get liquored up to be attracted to her. It is really awkward. He really didn’t look like he wanted to get in the tub, but camera is rolling and he wants the exposure. They get into the tub and Tamra says I love you and he responds with a You love me??? Not the standard I love you too, you are so hot. They are making out , and I suspect doing other naughty things under the water judging by the look on her face. Then they are on top of each other doing more naughty things under the water. Ok, here is where I wonder what the camera man is thinking. Is he wondering to himself, should I really be here right now? Do they yell cut and then start packing stuff up or do they just tip toe out of the room??? This was pretty graphic for Bravo and kind of scary to watch. Simon is going to have a field day with this one. Well, at least she can be a cougar/fetish porn star if the real estate gig doesn’t pan out. A new low for Tamra! All the soft lighting in the world didn’t help her out either…Eddie still looked like he was taking a tubby with his mom! The amount of love is just insane according to Tamra. No sweetheart, you are just plain old INSANE!
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