The Real Housewives of Miami
I am really struggling to like this new adventure to Miami. I don’t find any of these women fun, interesting or glamorous. I find them grating, pretentious wannabees. I bet we could create a drinking game with all the Latina and Cuban references….We get it just from listening to you that you are Latinas….We aren’t deaf or stupid. The only one I like so far remotely is Scottie Pippin’s wife and to tell you the truth I must not like her that much because I can’t even remember her name….Larsa oh yah, that’s it.
OK…Here I go, we begin with Adraiana and her creepy boyfriend Fredric. Adriana is tooting her own horn and how she loves guys and she only talks and doesn’t touch. She begins to backstab the 2 girls she went with to the fashion show. Larsa and what’s her name…. Christy. Adriana tells us she walked the empty cat walk the way it should be walked and the other girls were just catty. She explains she treats all women like they were her sisters. Fredric is bored with the conversation and just stares at her boobs, then admires her top. Adriana is too caught up in herself to notice.
Next up is the people pleaser Lea….she is planning a gala with big stars, this is hilarious because among the big star names she drops is Kim Zolciak hahahaha, Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild, and Natalie Cole- washed up old coke head singer. Too freakin funny. She worked from 6 am til 2 am until the night of the gala and that in her words is unheard of. So that is why she looks like crap, she only sleeps 4 hours a night, not the fact that she is about 50 trying to look 30. Marisol is taking care of the red carpet and press releases. How nice of her. Lea is talking on a gold razor. Who still uses a razor? Adriana stuffs envelopes, licks stamps and also pays the $500 to get in. Lea is talking about luxury items. Yachts, cruises, vacations, expensive things. She is in a panic because times are tough and people aren’t spending $ on Rolls, Bentley and Spikers.
Alexia is now on the screen. She is at the office of her Magazine Venue which she has to remind us she is the head Honcho at and it is a Spanish publication. I think we would have notices since the entire cover is in guess what language…SPANISH! It is family operated. Her step son is the editor. Herman tries to tell her they need to mix up the models a bit. People are getting bored with it and it is tacky. Alexia wants no part of it. She is targeting the “lower” people of the area that want to be part of the socialite crowd. It is all about the people that are hot and out there. What a biatch….the magazine is to self promote herself since she is a socialite. Who knew who she was before this show???
Now we are gathered around a table with the Latinas eating lunch with Cristy. She has a I love Cuba shirt on and is kissing this fat chef cooking AUTHENTIC Cuban food. Cuban food is not the fanciest, but it is authentic. Chef Pepin is hysterical….thanks for cluing us in on that fact. Mojitos and Aroyos compollos. Adrianna really likes Cuban food. Lea is so busy….she is the Vicki of Miami because she works so hard and doesn’t have time to take a 3 hour lunch. Alexia and Cristy went to high school together. Cristy looks younger than Alexia. Marisol calls and tells us she can’t make it and Chef Pepin goes all over the top. Alexia gets jealous because he makes it all about him. I have to agree the guy is flamboyantly annoying! Larsa tries to learn how to make the dish. She was expecting to make an amazing meal but Larsa points out he cooks in a crock pot. Adrianna says the lesson was a joke because it was only about opening cans and to her that food is junk…guess this dude is not a big hit with the Latinas. They are all running for the door to get away from him and let him cook by himself. He then flutters outside by the pool with food and Adrianna gets a phone call. Chef Pepin tries to sit down and join the girls but kind of subtly gets to point that they don’t want him there. Adriana forgot her son is getting out of school early, she calls the school and says keep him there until she is done with the luncheon (must be nice to do that, schools around here would just hang up and laugh their asses off and talk about us in the staff room)the school tells her he is already in the parking lot so sorry bitch come get your kid. Adriana calls Fredric her houseboy/creepy boyfriend to go grab the kid. She then goes on to eat her canned food. How do you forget your kid just to do lunch. The focus of course shifts to Adriana. She is so freaking annoying. The teacher is pissed but Adriana keeps on eating. Now the girls start ganging on Fredric. Alexia takes Fredric’s side and the other girls are not liking it. I have to agree with Alexia, get your ass off the chair and get your kid don’t expect a guy who is at work to drop everything and run so you can chilax with the Latinas! Cristy and larsa have nannies and maids and just don’t get it. Larsa actually says the phone call and waiting for Fredric to pick up the phone aged her. Are you kidding me? It is official Adriana so far is the most annoying character on the show! Alexia seems to be the most balanced. Fredric got there and crisis averted. Larsa now tells “A” she has men crawling all over her and she should kick his ass to the curb but wonders if he is bank rolling her….is Fredric rocking her world in bed Cristy wants to know. Adriana needs a man that loves her son….I think she likes a “MANNY” who also pays her bills.
Back at the homestead of Adriana once again. She is with her “MANNY” Fredric basically ripping him a new one. He tells her he was in an important meeting and she tells us she was very far away, 45 minutes away eating canned food with the Plastics…She didn’t think it was a big deal. He reasonably tries to tell her as soon as he knew the kid was in the parking lot he left. He is acused of being a French moody man being French and her Brazillian firey side kicks in. He loves Alex and proceeds to kiss her ass. He feeds her and sucks up some more. She knows she is screwed because the kid loves Fredric and she can’t kick him to the curb so she says let’s go out for dinner.
Now onto Larsa…she is so hot and feels the need to walk out of the house with a bikini every where she goes. Her friend reminds her she practically does in her short shorts…Larsa giggles and says Nooooo her shorts are not short. They look like the bottom half of a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader suit. They are Spandex jean shorts! Then her friend points out that the shorts larsa works out in are practically panties! Great….won’t see that at Planet Hollywood! The conversation veers into the lunch Cristy had. Let the backstabbing begin! It was alright Cuban cuisine. It was cute. The chef wasn’t as fabulous as larsa would have done it. Larsa can’t seem to find a nanny like cristy has that can cook. Larsa is an expert rice cooker because she is Lebanese. Oh brother, this is such a stupid pat myself on the back super woman conversation! She actually just called her former nanny retarded because she wouldn’t cook the rice the way the gods cooked rice. 2 cups of water to 1 cup of rice. Where is the rice recipe written in mythology??? Did I miss something? Is there a Lebanese Rice God? Larsa is admitting she is super picky. She can’t find good help.
Alexia is with Adriana talking about the picking up Alex incident. She can relate to Adriana because she doesn’t have the help the other 2 have. They go on and on about how great they are because they pick up their own kids. Alex is Adriana’s diamond. She isn’t a breeder like some women. She doesn’t pop kids out like a soda can. Being a woman is so hard….somebody finally understands Adriana. Wah wah wah…toot toot too the horn!
Larsa is searching for something to wear in her closet to pack for their Disney World trip. Her closet is the size of my living room. She is packing stuff into her Louis Vuitton duffel bag with the help of her mother. Her mother is so great. She will pop on a plane from Chicago anytime she needs to help with the kids. She is a saint. Larsa is bitching about the turtle nanny. Her mother says fire the lazy nanny. So mom is going to fire her when they leave. What a piece of work.
Teaser before commercial….Lea is pissed that Cristy didn’t buy a ticket to the gala and she will be out of the game. I see a hen fight in the future….finally some excitement!
Lea is at the gala prep gushing about the Bugati. Joe Francis arrives and Lea is smitten and excited. Her husband was his lawyer. They playfully and painfully flirt with each other…PUKE!
Marisol is getting a layer of make-up applied….lay it on thick to fill in the cracks! Her make-up artist is gnarly looking. She tells him she wants different things done to her eyes and he tells her it is out and she will look like the Cuban Zsa Xsa of Miami….Love it. Now she is getting her hair done. Mario is now weaving what looks like a long strip of either video tape or folded black Glad Trash bags into her poofy bun….talk about tacky! Stick with the Cuban Zsa Zsa look is my advice. Marisol is gushing about the gala and out from the cracks pops up her mother the cat woman….Scary ass looking woman! Holy Crap! She is Fugly but kind of funny to look at, listen to and observe.
Lea tells us that she works up until 15 min before the gals then runs and throws on clothes. She loves all of the things she has secured but is worried she won’t sell stuff in this economy. Alexia covers the event for her magazine. She gets invitations all the time. Gloria Estefan shows up….with someone other than her husband. Kim shows up with her former lesbian girlfriend, Natalie Cole arrives, Joe Francis, Paula Rubio, where are the stars I am asking myself???? Lea runs over and begs for Kim’s attention. She introduces herself and reminds her that she was the one that asks her to come. You know Kim is not tardy for this party and is looking for Sweeite and her wine! An Italian racecar driver shows up. Adriana shows up and tells her name. they look for it on the list and she reminds them that she is on the committee and she helps to organize this event. She looks pissed. Love it! Her Brazillian nose is out of joint. They won’t let her in. She wasn’t on the list. HAHAHAHAHA! Finally Roy comes to the rescue and she gets in. Lea needs to get a wrist band to get back into her own event and she is perturbed. Lea mentions everyone but Cristy has purchased tickets and doesn’t expect to see her, famous last words. You know Cristy will crash the party. Lea’s husband Roy makes a speech and introduces the event. We pan the crowd and there are some basketball players there. Lea then goes up and tries to work her auction magic….this should be fun. She starts the bidding for 25,000 for the Rolls….it goes up to 75,000…Herman wants to buy the Rolls for 85,000 but Alexia puts her foot down. Herman buys a watch, but Alexia really wanted a trip. Does she really have to go to an auction to buy a trip??? Please ! Here come some stragglers to the party…Cristy and a friend. Remember they didn’t buy a ticket. Cristy tells us they got a flat tire on the way but they still showed up to say hi and show their support. My prediction is Lea doesn’t give a shit, she wants $$$$$ for her charity. Kepp your dead beat asses out is her motto. How convenient she shows up late so she doesn’t have to attend the auction or hob knob while Lea is mingling. Roll the tape and see if I was correct….chomping on gum in an evening gown they grab a grey goose and lime and not let a flat tire get her down. Lea is still on stage auctioning off her stuff…she is raking in the bucks and Adriana is still in awe. Lea knows her stuff got to give it to her for that. She planned her shit right!!! Cristy is still chomping on her gum and working the room. Lea gets word that the party crashers are here and is pissed! I wonder if she will ask for $1500 from them??? Damn a commercial! Lea unleashes on her during her post interview. Lea says to send her an invoice for the tickets. No matter who you are you pay. Play by the rules or get out of the game! Look who will be banished….
Judging from the teasers for next week the show is going to start to have some Charlie Sheen Tiger blood….Finally! I still don’t really like any of them but I love their fighting! Until Next week Latinas….who is drunk yet?
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